It's been a year. I miss you everyday, despite everything. You were my person for a time, I admired you fiercely. 

You are no longer a part of my life and that has never stopped hurting. I'm not angry anymore, I simply wish things were different. I wish you hadn't lied. I wish you hadn't left. 

Thank you for teaching me about magic.

Moon time...

Ah, the dreaded "period", or so most women feel. I look forward to that time of month, just not the pain. I have endometriosis, which causes scarring to occur on the outside of my uterus, making each cycle extremely painful. Still, menstruating makes me feel balanced, and clean. I am definitely not like most girls..

So what am I to do? Combat the pain naturally of course! Tonight I used cloth pads instead of my menstrual cup, because seriously the cramps were terrible. Those are two pads I have and my wet bag in the background. I also rubbed Dragon Time massage oil (the small green bottle) on my lower abdomen to help with emotional stability, cramps, and bloating. I diffused sclaressence and fennel essential oils which helped my headache, nausea, and mood. I decided I needed a treat, I headed for my loose tea. I used my infuser to make a red raspberry leaf and hibiscus tea mixture. Red raspberry leaf is used to help tone the uterus, helping with everything from menstrual cramps, to even labor when used regularly. It may seem gross to some, but the hibiscus was used mainly symbolically, and it just plain tastes good.  I added a spoonful of cane sugar and it was wonderful. 

Etsy...

I've been trying to set up an etsy shop, apparently I'm one year shy of being old enough to. :( I'll have to find a new way to sell some of my items. I have jewelry I made, as well as bath salts. For now that is all, but I have several tinctures and oils that will be ready in a few weeks. The ones in the picture are lavender scented, with actual lavender flower in them. It makes the bath very pretty. Making herbal goodies is giving me a purpose right now, and I enjoy it.

Trying to keep it together

We moved. I moved in 7 hours with 2 hours of sleep, while sick. But we are out and that is supposed to be all that matters. That is supposed to make it okay, but I'm miserable and stuck here. It's too quiet and it's too painful. I feel so very broken.

Baby time

I've needed love and support lately. I'm not really getting that from anyone around me, but spending time with this sweet girl sure has helped.. I cherish these moments before she gets too old to sit my lap and play.

Upcoming Changes..

I have never home-schooled a day in my life, nor have I ever desired to until the past 5 months. My junior year has been too much. I was given the perfect blend of personal problems and school stress to weekly anxiety attacks and stress so bad I regularly become ill. I've also become notably more mature than my peers and that made life a bit harder as well. My level of maturity has always been more advanced than people my age but this past 5 months in particular have really changed me, definitely for the better. I had my heart broken for the first time after ending a 2 year relationship, and that was honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I started my 3rd year of high school completely alone, stressed out, and miserable. My depression hit a new low and so many people around me had no idea just how bad it became. I'm not necessarily losing friends, but I feel the friendships I have fading out as I move through new chapters in my life, and that makes me very sad. I wish I had friends and family who were on the same level as me. I wish I knew more people who understood what it is like to go through so much at such a young age. The newest obstacle I am dealing with is my mother, sister, and I moving out of the home we have lived in for the past 5 years, without a man we have lived with for the past 8. He has always been our financial rock and that is coming to a close as my mother finds a job to try and support us while also taking phlebotemy classes. I on the other hand, am going to homeschool and graduate in May. I am tired. And it is okay that I am tired, I am allowed to be that way. I have more credits than I am supposed to from working my ass off for the past 2 and half years, so it will only take me another 6 months to receive all the credits I need to graduate through a homeschooling program. I can also do this while working, which I would have never had time to do before. I am very emotional about it, I won't lie. At first I felt empowered and strong and ready to take on life, but now I feel very sad. I will miss my daily life at school, not the work load, not waking up at 5 am, and not the stress, but everything else was not half bad. I hope this is the right decision. I hope that I am going to be okay, and I hope that I decide what college career is right for me in time to apply. I need so much healing and hope right now.